As president of the Take Your Rifles, Ammunition, and Naughty Things (TYRANT) Foundation, I am writing to you with grave concerns. In light of recent events, such as the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School and the infamous Baltimore Pop Tart Massacre, it is my goal to raise public awareness of a new menace to our children and our society: assault pancakes.
Unlike conventional firearms, such as handguns, assault rifles, and Pop Tarts chewed into the shape of a gun, assault pancakes are completely untraceable can be manufactured in an ordinary kitchen using nothing more than 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour, 1 1/4 cups milk, 3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon salt, 3 tablespoons butter, 1 tablespoon white sugar. In a large bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder...sorry, where was I?
Assault pancakes. Used in conjunction with high-calorie-capacity butter and syrup, these deadly weapons are capable of causing great harm to your health. Excessive consumption of assault pancakes is known to cause type 2 diabetes, or in some cases, death. Assault pancakes have also been known to cause distress to emotionally-unstable elementary school teachers.
To counteract this threat to the well-being of our children and hysterical teachers, TYRANT proposes the following legislative priorities:
- Restrict the purchase of flour to those over the age of 18 and require a 30-day waiting period.
- Declare any area within 100 feet of a diet clinic to be a pancake-free zone.
- Close the so-called "pancake breakfast loophole", which allows nonprofits, such as churches, to sell pancakes to the public without performing a background check.
- Provide stronger regulations against pancake manufacturers, such as IHOP and Bob Evans, who cater to impressionable children by including these deadly weapons on their children's menus.
If we stand strong and work together, we can keep our children safe from assault pancakes. Please join TYRANT in the fight against this menace...this warm, fluffy, delicious, maple-flavored menace. For the children.