Common Cents: Reggie for President

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Reggie for President

My parents' dog, Reggie, overheard me saying that I would vote for him over Obama this November and has asked me to announce his candidacy for president here on Common Cents. -- S.D.

Reggie, Labertarian for President

My fellow Americans, both human and canine:

In 2008, we elected Barack Obama as the President of the United States, and for the first time in my life, I was proud of my country. This year, I ask you to elect me as the second brown president of the United States. Here is my vision for the future of our country:

Over the course of obedience school, female dogs can spend over $3000 on birth control, creating an undue hardship for these bright young pups. There are some who would block access to these vital services, and by doing so, doom dogs around the country to be punished with a litter of puppies. As president, I will require all providers of health insurance to include coverage of spaying and neutering with no increase in premiums or copays.
Too many dogs are overweight from eating unhealthy food from the table. Obesity, whether in humans or dogs, raises insurance premiums for everyone. As president, I will promote taxes on bacon and cheese in order to persuade dogs and owners to make the right food choices.
We must punish the 1%, who dine on expensive canned foods, such as Alpo, while the less privileged among us are forced to eat Old Roy (and in doing so, fund our corporate overlords at Wal-Mart).
Some people say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. However, I believe that all dogs are capable of learning if provided with the opportunities that they deserve. As president, I will introduce the K9 Bill, which will provide grants to dogs to attend college after retiring from the police force.
There are some intolerant people in government who rail against earmarks. As president, I will end discrimination on the basis of breed and provide opportunities to all dogs of all ear colors. (This is what they are talking about when they refer to "earmarks", right? My campaign manager said that it means something else, but I think he's confused.)
As president, I will show solidarity with my fellow flea-ridden housepets in the Occupy movement by instituting a student loan forgiveness program.
As president, I will stimulate the economy by creating numerous shovel-ready projects. In fact, my shovel-ready projects have already created jobs for my owners at home.
There are millions of people in our country who, by no fault of their own, are not entitled to vote under our Constitution or who lack the energy or motivation (I can relate to that, as I enjoy lying around) to acquire a photo ID. There are some who would discriminate on the basis of citizenship or laziness by enacting laws which would require voters to show a photo ID at the polls. As president, I will propose a new odor-based program where voters identify themselves based on their unique scent. (This policy would especially benefit the deliciously-fragrant members of the Occupy movement.)
As president, I will work to improve our strained relations with other nations by showing them the proper level of respect. If I see another dog who is bigger than I am, like the king of Saudi Arabia for example, I will approach with my belly on the ground and my tail between my legs.